The Etiquette Of The Sex Dating Email

I get a stab of pain in my hinterlands when I read some of the emails I get at XXX Match. These are the ones that are about two sentences long, have the grammar of a first grader and can be summed up as “wanna fuck?” For these men, I have a prewritten response that explains their error:

Dear Sir,

While I love sex, I am not desperate to get laid. Surely, you do not want to hookup with a desperate woman! So, why are you writing to me with such poor manners and sloppy penmanship that only a sex-starved hag with a withered pussy would respond? If you are looking for a hot date, then you need to show me that you are a hot date worth my time. Since you don’t even have the manners to address me personally in your first email, I can only assume that you will not give me the attention I deserve in the bedroom. Why don’t you try emailing me again? This time, tell me who you are and why you are contacting me specifically. Ask some questions to show you are interested and I will surely respond. Who knows, we might even be hooking up soon!